Our walls and towers aren’t crafted of brick and mortar instead they are crafted of fear, worry, and anxiety. They aren’t just our fears or worries, other people are also contributing to them. While I’m speaking figuratively, when we quote the lines from Proverbs 4:23, “guard your heart” this is what we picture . . . a strong wall protecting us from pain and heartache. When others say this to us they are adding their own fears and worries to our self-made walls, adding to the over protectiveness of our hearts.
I realized my jerk syndrome had gotten out of hand when a new friend genuinely apologized to me for using cloth diapers and making her own baby food. I cringed inside as she spoke realizing the very thing I hate about the mommy world – pervasive comparison – was what I inflicted upon her as I tried to explain my aversion to “mommy-ness.” Yes. I am the reverse-discrimination jerk mother. And what a fool I am to think myself outside of the supposed “mommy war” just because I despise it.
The very fact that I hate it tells me I am very much inside of it.
I'm sorry I underestimated you. And I'm sorry I've never truly been as impressed as I should have been. Yes, some of us have it easier than others. But the truth is, parenting can make you feel like the newest character on Looney Tunes. One minute it's all "Let's have another!" And the next it's "How is it possible to be angry at a 5-week-old?"
In moments of weakness, things that are comfortable and familiar seem bigger than they should and I begin feeling entitled to things. (Cue every lie possible.) It clouds my eternal mindset and the reasons the Lord called us to this city. Everything I get upset about has one common denominator: MY comforts, MY desires and ME.
There is much emphasis these days on our stories, on MY story: My experiences, my development, my insights, my suffering, how I navigate and grow through my circumstances, how I live and face the ups and downs of life. Cyberspace is crowded with blogs about “me” and “my.” Knowledge of ourselves and our ability to own our stories is critical to our understanding and our growth in wisdom. Where we’ve come from unquestionably shapes where we are and where we are going.